Moving Out, Moving On

Last night, I moved out of my studio apartment where I have holed up since 2008. When I moved in in that space, I was hesitant because it was the first time that I had no roommate or house mate. Ever since college, I have lived with friends, four, eight of them; then I lived independently when I was 24.


Living alone was lonely at first because you eat alone most of the time and you have no one to talk to, but, like any other kind of loneliness, you get used to it. The loneliness I felt turned to a quiet solitude, a relief from all the hustle and bustle of the world. My room was my little space where I can rest, think, lie down and stare at the (beautiful) ceiling, do nothing, write, watch films. It was home for me.


It was also home to En, who have stayed there for some time as well. When he left for the Visayas in 2009, Kuya Cesar (the caretaker) and some neighbors always asked about his whereabouts as if he were the tenant and not me. En told me he was sad that I was moving out and that he was not able to say goodbye to his home in LB. I am sad he was not able to say goodbye to his house in LB.


It was difficult and sad to leave that room, but I felt that I had to. One reason is practical--it was getting smaller and smaller for my things. The other is psychological/emotional--I felt stuck in that place. I was left there waiting, for a year now, and I felt I had to move (literally and metaphorically). So I moved out and hopefully move on.  


My new apartment (two-bedroom with a PhD house mate) is not really new since my friend used to live there, and I used to sleep over. Nonetheless, it is a new space where I'll do what I do (or what I haven't done before), a new space to be shared with a house mate and friends who visit and neighbor-friends living in the apartment above ours. Of course, sleepovers are allowed.   


Last night, after I brought all my things (which occupied the whole jeepney, with my bed on its roof) from that little apartment to my new apartment and had a housewarming with guests, I went back to the room and--I know, this might sound crazy--said goodbye even though I was already tired and it was already past midnight. I swept the room, inspected every corner, every cabinet (oh, how I love those cabinets!). It dawned on me that it was really bye bye time. Good thing Ponkan, a friend, was with me so I had to do it coolly. No crying uncontrollably--though I did not cry uncontrollably. 


But in my mind and heart, I did. I was saying goodbye not only to the room itself but to everything I experienced and will remember there, the neighbors, caretakers, owners, and the roommate who stayed for a while. Mostly the roommate who stayed for a while and whom I waited. 


After that trip, Ponkan and I went to 7-11 near our new apartment, and he bought me two sticks of ice cream before we headed home. It was a pleasant experience, and I do hope for the same living in my new apartment.   




* In the photo are Ponkan and moi taken during our volunteer work in Polillo Is. last May.